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The Boy and I haven't spoken for more than 2 days now.
He came over Tuesday night and everything was good. I was in a happy mood for once, though a little tired from going out for a long walk with the Babe earlier in the afternoon (I'm not used to exercise and so much fresh air!). We were watching Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares and enjoying the company of one of my cats who had decided he was in a social mood and graced us with his presence and purrs. Then the Boy mentioned out of the blue how his mother felt that I hated her because I didn't talk to her very much when we'd had lunch a few weeks ago. [Point of history: Boy's mother lives overseas and was here a few weeks ago. I wasn't happy with her seeing the Babe (long story) but relented in the end and agreed to have lunch with her on Good Friday. I'm shy and crap in social situations and hate being forced to socialise with people I don't know. I felt it ended up going alright - I was quiet initially but relaxed enough to join in conversations and actually had a good time, if I'm honest.] SO, as I said, the Boy mentions out of the blue that his mother was in tears after the lunch because apparently I didn't talk directly to her and she believes I hate her and questioned how the Babe is going to turn out when I don't socialise. According to him I was rude because I didn't ask her any questions or engage her directly in conversation, and I shouldn't have bothered if that was all the effort I was going to make.
I got upset and asked him why he wanted to be with me if he hates my personality so much. I told him I didn't want to be there; I told him I'd tried my best; I told him his mother should consider herself lucky I - and therefore the Babe - was even there at all. I reminded him I only agreed to go because I knew it was important to him. And how dare his mother question my parenting? Being introverted doesn't mean I'm a crap mother and my child is going to grow up having severe social problems, and I resent her saying as much. The Boy became awkward because I was so upset, and said he was going to leave, which upset me more. He told me I should go to bed and he'd talk to me later, and off he went.
I can't stand this anymore. I'm miserable enough without him and his family adding to it. I'm sick of having my personality attacked, and I'm really fucking sick of pandering to everyone else and doing what everyone else wants when none of them think to check if anything is okay with me or if I'm alright. According to the Boy's sister I got pregnant on purpose to trap him. The Boy wasn't around during my pregnancy or the first 3 weeks of the Babe's life. None of his family contacted me before or after the Babe was born to see if we were alright or if we needed anything, but they're all coming forward now to see her and believe they're entitled. I feel like they were never interested until there was something in it for them. And now, because I'm not living up to expectations, the Boy is hassling me for not being nicer to his mother and his mother says I'm going to be a crap parent. What the fuuuuuck?
I'm going to start doing what I should have done 8 months ago - I'm going to suit myself and to hell with everyone else. I love the Boy but I'm finding it hard to be with him. He doesn't seem to like me the way I am, and when I ask why he's with me he says he "wants to try and make it work" with me. I don't feel secure in our relationship - I feel as soon as he meets someone else that'll be the end of it. I'm just a stand in until someone better comes along. I'm sick of mind games, I'm sick of being made to feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like I do everything to suit everyone else, and it's never enough.
I'm tired and this all needs to stop.
11 April, 2008 @ 12:43pm
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